Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I took the one less traveled by

As many of us prepare to leave CAP for various adventures, jobs, schools, and unemployment we have all been focused on the future in varying capacities. But, I have done all the work for all of my fiends here in the volunteer community. I have arranged all possible options for life after CAP.

1. Graduate School: By far the most respectable option, graduate school lets you show how smart you are to everyone in the known universe. People will look up to you as an intellectual giant as you tell them which school you will be attending, if they know of it or not. You will be seen as someone who is going somewhere and that is neat. You can also get yourself a nice pair of brown loafers, a leather man purse, and a few pairs of black dress pants. Feel free to start using that comb and razor again as well as showering regularly. Your future professors will expect you to smell fresh. No one wants smelly peons doing their slave research and teaching.

2. More Volunteering: Don't know what in the hell you want to do? Perhaps you really buy into the organization you volunteer for and haven't had enough abuse yet? How about some more volunteering! You will continue to baffle many of your friends who have long since gotten jobs that pay in real money and not in expired granola and macaroni and cheese from the late 80's. If your parents thought you were insane before, they will most certainly have you committed now. When they send you away to the loony bin, I'd really appreciate it if I could have your pork chops and frosted flakes.

3. Starbucks: Long known as the last resort for many an liberal arts and sciences majors, Starbucks offers you health insurance as well as a snazzy green apron. And, since you have been in college or volunteering for some time, you are now certainly addicted to caffeine. You can easily stuff entire hand fulls of coffee beans into your mouth when your manager is not looking. Try not to let the over-caffeinated soccer moms and angry business men with their suits and hand less cell phones get you down as they scream their complex order into the tiny speaker box at the suburban coffee giant.

4. Sell out to the man: Perhaps an office day job is more your speed. Enjoying the 8 hour shifts for measly pay while doing a job you hate may be just the ticket! Don't expect to love (or even like) your new job that may include staring at a computer screen for your entire day constantly asking yourself when the last time you checked your email was (and how frequent email checking has to be to become inappropriate ... or a sign of insanity). May include benefits and a lease to a brand new Ford Focus.

5. Homeless: A short step down from volunteering, this option sadly does not include health insurance. But as a plus, you will not have to drive a Ford Focus. Most of your day will be spent freaking out squares on the bus. Your only real requirement is that when you walk down the street, every time you see someone coming toward you, you stare at them until they cower in awkwardness. Also you must, from time to time, scream something like, "THE GOVERNMENT" at an unsuspecting sap.

6. Live the dream in your parents' basement: Ever considered remodeling your parents basement into the perfect bachelor (or lady) pad? Well, take a lesson from Greg Brady and break out that lava lamp, pick up a couch from a dumpster and transform your parents basement into the perfect post-CAP hang out spot. If you're like me, you've long desired to live under the vision of a medieval liege-lord. Your parents can now fulfill this dream. You may be given dinners but may also have to pay rent. For your own sake, try to come up with an explanation as to why, after 4 years of college and countless tuition checks sent in, you are unable to get a job. (You deadbeat)

7. Travel: Wait a second! You're completely broke! (you deadbeat). If by chance you pull this off, avoid the French when ever you are able.

8. Work for CAP: Really good at what you did as a volunteer but still want to get a marginally higher salary? How about a job? Maybe those at CAP realize that without you around, the program you work for simply would not function. Maybe they just really like you. Either way, you've got it made. You can keep your parents off your back and still kick ass for the Lord while avoiding the man. Take caution though, you may get stuck trying to re-live the glory days as a volunteer.

These are really your only options. So good luck you aging out volunteers and former volunteers out there! Try to avoid the man when ever you can. If all else fails, I suggest you consult David Frank.



Christopher J said...

Hilarious. See you in the car.

Anonymous said...

A) Intellectual giant? Is that spelled right?

B) When did you stop liking expired granola?

C) Don't even think about it. The dungeon, err basement, is mine!!

D) Angry business men?

Decisions, decisions.

Tiffany said...

Oh, that made me smile. I almost have a different post-CAP life in a friend's apartment on her bunk bed for dirt cheap rent, constantly going to interviews and having only secured two options for summer employment at nearly minimum wage. Trust me, free gas and expired granola seems like the high life sometimes now :-P Thanks for the options though :-)

Dave said...

options glorious options! i think i'm currently pulling off 75% of the options posted. Oh and Canada's off. sorry son.

Anonymous said...

where do i fit in?

i thought that i was still cleaning the kitchen by day and spooning by night?

or i got my dream job...?