The Enemy

This is the enemy.


Let me take you back to a misty February evening. The lake up at camp was cold and a dense fog rolled over its still surface. I had just gone for a run and was walking along the lakeside when suddenly a large figure appeared in the water. It looked to be about 3 feet long and was swimming my way. I whispered, "uh, hello..." like a frightened nancy as the mysterious figure approached. Just then it slapped its tail on the surface with ferocity and dove under water never to be seen again. I let out a very manly scream and ran back home.

Fast forward to the present day. Volunteer life, with its financial shortcomings, forces some of us to search for alternative ways to make a few bucks here and there to fund our fun. For example. Scrap aluminum now is getting 30 cents per pound. And, people here love to throw their cans on the side of the road. So, as if this wasn't obvious enough, Frank and I have been collecting cans to cash in. ... Anyway, Ross man the former Boss man has been annoyed by the beaver for quite some time now. The Beaver is wreaking havoc on the trees around camp as well as the water flow around the camp lake. And, in his state of desperation, he has hired Frank and myself as mercenaries to slay the enemy. 65 dollars, dead or alive (emphasis on dead). When Ross gave us the assignment he just laughed and said, "you wont have any meat left on your arm son."


A couple weeks back, on my birthday actually, Frank and I had a close encounter with our furry nemesis. As we were kayaking around the lake in our small plastic kayaks (intended for children to use) we saw the rodent scramble through the brush and dive into the water near his dam. We strategically retreated to ponder a more... intelligent approach.

After many brainstorming sessions involving home made spears, nail guns from the housing truck, and some sort of club made out of a broken lamp, Frank and I acquired a beaver trap and set it near a downed tree. We have checked for the past 3 days and no beaver. We even tried to provoke it by ramming its dam with our canoes and shouting, "beaver! face us!"

However, our friends at Wikipedia informed us that, "Beavers always work at night and are prolific builders, carrying mud and stones with their fore-paws and timber between their teeth. Because of this, destroying a beaver dam without removing the beavers is difficult, especially if the dam is downstream of an active lodge. Beavers can rebuild such primary dams overnight, though they may not defend secondary dams as vigorously." This round clearly belonged to the beaver.

Today we went out there and put some lunch meat ham in the trap to try to entice it. We shall see how this turns out. Our research has revealed also that beavers are socially playful creatures that "love to play pranks." This is clearly a battle of epic proportions. Who shall get the money, and who shall get their arm bitten off... only time will tell.

More than likely, the result will be this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=E1NkRaU-5xw&feature=related

Cheers and beers.

I took the one less traveled by

As many of us prepare to leave CAP for various adventures, jobs, schools, and unemployment we have all been focused on the future in varying capacities. But, I have done all the work for all of my fiends here in the volunteer community. I have arranged all possible options for life after CAP.

1. Graduate School: By far the most respectable option, graduate school lets you show how smart you are to everyone in the known universe. People will look up to you as an intellectual giant as you tell them which school you will be attending, if they know of it or not. You will be seen as someone who is going somewhere and that is neat. You can also get yourself a nice pair of brown loafers, a leather man purse, and a few pairs of black dress pants. Feel free to start using that comb and razor again as well as showering regularly. Your future professors will expect you to smell fresh. No one wants smelly peons doing their slave research and teaching.

2. More Volunteering: Don't know what in the hell you want to do? Perhaps you really buy into the organization you volunteer for and haven't had enough abuse yet? How about some more volunteering! You will continue to baffle many of your friends who have long since gotten jobs that pay in real money and not in expired granola and macaroni and cheese from the late 80's. If your parents thought you were insane before, they will most certainly have you committed now. When they send you away to the loony bin, I'd really appreciate it if I could have your pork chops and frosted flakes.

3. Starbucks: Long known as the last resort for many an liberal arts and sciences majors, Starbucks offers you health insurance as well as a snazzy green apron. And, since you have been in college or volunteering for some time, you are now certainly addicted to caffeine. You can easily stuff entire hand fulls of coffee beans into your mouth when your manager is not looking. Try not to let the over-caffeinated soccer moms and angry business men with their suits and hand less cell phones get you down as they scream their complex order into the tiny speaker box at the suburban coffee giant.

4. Sell out to the man: Perhaps an office day job is more your speed. Enjoying the 8 hour shifts for measly pay while doing a job you hate may be just the ticket! Don't expect to love (or even like) your new job that may include staring at a computer screen for your entire day constantly asking yourself when the last time you checked your email was (and how frequent email checking has to be to become inappropriate ... or a sign of insanity). May include benefits and a lease to a brand new Ford Focus.

5. Homeless: A short step down from volunteering, this option sadly does not include health insurance. But as a plus, you will not have to drive a Ford Focus. Most of your day will be spent freaking out squares on the bus. Your only real requirement is that when you walk down the street, every time you see someone coming toward you, you stare at them until they cower in awkwardness. Also you must, from time to time, scream something like, "THE GOVERNMENT" at an unsuspecting sap.

6. Live the dream in your parents' basement: Ever considered remodeling your parents basement into the perfect bachelor (or lady) pad? Well, take a lesson from Greg Brady and break out that lava lamp, pick up a couch from a dumpster and transform your parents basement into the perfect post-CAP hang out spot. If you're like me, you've long desired to live under the vision of a medieval liege-lord. Your parents can now fulfill this dream. You may be given dinners but may also have to pay rent. For your own sake, try to come up with an explanation as to why, after 4 years of college and countless tuition checks sent in, you are unable to get a job. (You deadbeat)

7. Travel: Wait a second! You're completely broke! (you deadbeat). If by chance you pull this off, avoid the French when ever you are able.

8. Work for CAP: Really good at what you did as a volunteer but still want to get a marginally higher salary? How about a job? Maybe those at CAP realize that without you around, the program you work for simply would not function. Maybe they just really like you. Either way, you've got it made. You can keep your parents off your back and still kick ass for the Lord while avoiding the man. Take caution though, you may get stuck trying to re-live the glory days as a volunteer.

These are really your only options. So good luck you aging out volunteers and former volunteers out there! Try to avoid the man when ever you can. If all else fails, I suggest you consult David Frank.

Cheers

Flat Lick Falls

Deep in the heart of Jackson County lies Flat Lick Falls. You could search for days and never find it. You will never find it unless you are with someone who has been there. There are no maps to it and no roads lead to its shores. No one visits there who has not been there before. It is altogether beautiful and untouched. Every time I go there I wonder how many places there are like this in the world. Places where no path leads. I think I'd like to spend some time finding them.

The Years Have Been Short but the Days were Long

Pictured above: Me rocking the top pony/mullet look made famous by men such as David Beckham, Qui Gon Jin, Obi Wan Kenobi, and the Last Samurai. The flowers are Lady Slippers. Lastly, we have the Natural Bridge.


For all of those of you out there wondering why there have been no blog posts, its mainly because things have gone on like clockwork with no hilarious happenings or major accidents. Right now, Ben, our new crew leader, Monica and I are poised to finish our last workfest job. It seems like an age since March when all the young college babies descended upon us and left 6 unfinished jobs in their wake, but almost 2 months have passed. We have been outright dominating and are close to completing all of the jobs.

This past weekend, I went camping with a group of former volunteers at the Natural Bridge and Red River Gorge National Parks. The Natural Bridge is a massive sandstone arch on top of a mountain in Powell County, Kentucky. The NB national park was one of Kentucky's 4 original national parks, established in 1925. We climbed the side of the arch in a tiny crevice to the top of the giant sandstone structure. The crevice was called, I kid you not, "Fat man's squeeze." ...I'm not sure why... We sat atop the ancient structure in the early morning breeze. This season in Kentucky is marked by cool nights between 40 and 50 and warm days between 60 and 80. The trees are now fully bloomed and greened and wildflowers dot the country side. The rivers are full and the grass lush. The other night, it was quite warm, maybe 75, and a light mist was falling. I took off my shoes and walked through the fields in the valley beneath our house and decided that summer was fast approaching.

In other news....

David Frank has returned. Just when our hour of need was greatest, our brother has returned to us. It seems like all people do is leave lately; Ross, Jennie from our house, Joe, and this weekend Jennie Biser, our dear friend from the east side. But, Frank has returned to stink this place up with the stench of victory (and prunes). As a 'welcome back' for Frank, I left a bag of prunes in his room, anticipating he would work with Laura the following day. Much to my ... surprise, he worked with me. I can assure you, dear friends, the truck has never smelled worse.
Last Thursday, Frank and I took the kayaks out on the lake to celebrate my birthday. There has been a renegade beaver on the lake this winter, so we thought we would assess the situation. I went a bit ahead of Frank, paddling gently through the shallows when all the sudden, like a rapter in Jurassic Park, a 4 foot beaver came charging out of the brush and dove into the water. Frank sped (slowly) to my rescue. He went to the beaver's hut and started hitting it with his paddle to draw him out. Then we saw 4 shadows circling us underneath the water. I could almost hear the Jaws music playing in my head. Rather than suffer the humiliation of defeat at the hand of a beaver family we decided it would be wise to strategically retreat. Beavers have very large teeth you know. They've won this round.

Cheers.