Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won"

There are certain things in life you do only once. Death, for example, you do only once. Or, building your own raft out of logs, chicken wire and garbage and taking said raft down a very shallow river in eastern Kentucky. That is also something you do only once.

The plan was flawless really... from a certain insane point of view. The raft was constructed and tested, our cooler was packed and we were ready to go where none or maybe few people have gone before. Our journey began on the banks of the Cumberland River. There were a few kayaks floating down near our launch site with perplexed locals at the helm. I immediately went out knee deep into the water and started shouting, "USA! USA! USA!" and pumping my fist in the air. They immediately started cheering and joined right in, "USA USA USA!" You wouldn't believe how easy it is to start a USA chant, you should really try it sometime. After that rousing display, we boarded the raft. It was me, Jesse, Don (The dominator), UBS man, David Frank, Joe a short termer, and Ryan. We piled on the raft and to our surprise, it floated! I know what you're thinking, "USA, USA, USA!" But don't get too excited. We traveled about 50 yards and then ran aground on the shallow river bottom. We then noticed that the river was only about 6 inches deep on average for the entire 5 mile stretch we intended to do. So, we picked up the raft, which weighed about 300 pounds, and carried this stupid thing over the shallow water. We carried this horrid boat from hell for 5 miles on and off, over slick river boulders and ankle twisting crevasses on the river bottom. I threw my paddle into the water and said to Jesse, "this is by far your worst idea ever."

We achieved our goal of 5 miles in a little over 5 hours. We were exhausted and threw ourselves up on the grassy bank near the Cumberland Falls. We had run out of water and food and were all cut up from our bulky, awkward monstrosity. We headed for home, but not before a stop at the Big Boy's in London, KY. We looked quite near homeless. Don was donning his "USA 2002" cut off sleeveless t-shirt with a picture of the American flag. UBS was soaked. I had my "Michigan lottery: fame and fortune, it could happen to you" shirt on. Jesse and Ryan had dirty shirts from the work truck and damp swimming suits on because the rest of their clothes were wet, and Frank reeked and had no shoes on. It was rough. Regardless, we were all starving so we feasted on burgers and all was well in the world again.

Our vessel was named "Sarah 2" in honor of Ross and Sarah and their engagement. Top THAT engagement gift son!

Anyways, Cheers.


Anonymous said...

Mother prayed for low water with no dangerous water falls.

Thank goodness her prayers were answered and you are all safe!

Stinky, but safe!


dies irae said...

That's not a raft, it's a a low water bridge!

jennie marie said...

I knew something had been missing in my life...i just spent the past 6 hours catching up your blog. Sorry to hear the maiden voyage of the "Sarah 2" didn't go so well. Maybe it should have been named the "Jennie 2"?

PS - I'm drinking a glass of sweet tea. It's this new drink i recently discovered, and I don't know that they have it in Oregon. I would suggest, that you reconsider moving there. Your only other option as I see it is to introduce this succulent bevarage to the Pacific Northwest. Are you up for it?

PPS - don't even think about opening a bakery unless you are prepared to serve fresh sweet tea at all times.

Christopher J said...

"He returns like a conquering hero, but what has he conquered?"

I'm sorry your long toiled upon vessel's maiden voyage amounted to nothing but heart break and scratched up arms!